Am I Codependent? Signs & How to Have Healthy Relationships
As an NYC Psychologist with over 16 years in the mental health field, I’ve helped countless professionals and graduate students recover from codependent tendencies. People with codependency tend to be fixated on another person, have low self-esteem, poor boundaries, and consistently prioritize their loved ones' needs over their own.
People with codependent tendencies arrive at my office burnt out, insecure, resentful, and stuck in bad relationship dynamics that are wreaking havoc on their lives. The good news is that codependency is a cluster of learned behaviors, and therefore can be unlearned. In therapy, I help my clients identify their unhealthy relationship patterns and reclaim their lives. It’s hard work, but it is possible. Read on to learn how.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is defined as an unbalanced adult relationship pattern (no one is codependent with their baby!) where one person feels overly responsible for another person’s behavior to the detriment of their own life.
The term codependency first emerged in recovery circles in the 1980s to describe obsessive caretaking behaviors of partners and family members of alcoholics. In the simplest terms, the alcoholic was obsessed with drinking and the codependent was obsessed with the alcoholic. Over time, the term has become mainstream and is now used to describe relationship dynamics in which one person becomes overly focused on controlling another person’s behavior and life choices at the expense of their own well-being. This can include romantic relationships, familial relationships, or even friendships. While the concept of codependency remains widely used, it has not been recognized as a distinct psychological diagnosis within the broader mental health field.
Am I Codependent? Signs to Look For:
You have difficulty saying no
You want to say no, but can’t seem to get the words out because you don’t want to upset or disappoint the other person. For example, you know you need to prepare for a work presentation but drop everything when your significant other needs something. I’m not talking about your best friend calling you after a break-up and you staying up all night talking with her. Once in a while, prioritizing others' needs can be part of a healthy, loving relationship. I’m talking about canceling plans to go out with friends because the guy you’re dating might text you, or staying home so your husband doesn’t go on a bender.
You prioritize another person’s needs above your own so much that your own life starts to deteriorate.
With people who have an active addiction or severe mental health illness, it is easy to deprioritize yourself because crises arise frequently making your problems seem trivial. But if you keep deprioritizing your life, your life will get smaller and smaller: friendships suffer (you break plans or you start isolating), work suffers (you don’t apply for a promotion or just do the bare minimum because you feel overwhelmed as is), and health suffers (who has time/energy/motivation for a jog when you’ve been up all night worrying?). You get the picture.
Your self-worth is dependent on another person’s mood or attention towards you.
Of course it makes sense that we’re affected by other people’s moods-otherwise we’d all be sociopaths!. That said, if you find your mood is entirely dependent on whether another person is in a good/bad mood, texting back, drinking 1 drink or 10, then it’s worth taking a second look at yourself. Don’t let your mood be entirely determined by another person’s unpredictable behavior. Read on to learn more.
You stay in romantic relationships longer than you should.
This is a big one. I’ve worked with a lot of people who have fallen in
love with someone’s potential rather than the actual person. To make matters worse they then subscribe to the sunken cost fallacy, whereby they’ve invested so much time and energy into a broken relationship, that they just don’t want to admit defeat, so stay in it longer. Don’t fall into this trap or if you’re already in it, know that help is available.
You obsess about another person.
What they’re doing, where they are, who they’re with, etc. Checking in constantly or on the edge of your seat waiting for them to get back to you. Again, this is placing your mood entirely in the hands of someone else.
How Codependency Impacts Mental Health and Relationships
Over time, trying to control another person’s behavior and being overeliant on them to feel a sense of self-worth takes a toll. The codependent partner may feel depleted, resentful, anxious, and insecure, and the other person tends to become more dependent, entitled, and/or frustrated by the codependent’s attempts to control them. The elixir of unmet needs, enmeshed boundaries, and controlling behaviors result in a slow erosion of the intimacy and trust that the codependent so desperately craves.
Ok, so clearly being codependent will not get you what you want, which is a healthy, loving, mutually giving relationship. So how the hell do you stop???
How to Stop Being Codependent in a Relationship
The first step is to become aware of when you are engaging in codependent behavior and return the focus to you: how you are feeling, what you are thinking, and then alternative coping strategies to address your needs.
Recognize Your Codependent Tendencies
The first step is recognizing the problem and the problem I’m talking about is not the other person (who may have tons of problems!), but your behavior. Your obsession with what they do or do not do, think, or feel that is driving your life into the ground. You are not responsible for another adult’s life and if you find yourself engaging in any of the below, recognize it for what it is, your own codependent tendencies:
- People-pleasing (saying what you think others want to hear rather than what you actually mean)
- Doing something out of fear of being abandoned
- Consistently prioritizing another person's needs above your own, and/or
- Believing that if you could just do more (love, sacrifice, help, etc.), then the relationship would improve.
Accept Your Feelings
It’s easier to try and “fix” whatever is bothering you rather than realize that perhaps what’s bothering you is more out of your control than you’d like to believe. Can we really control someone else? I think not. People need to be motivated to make the changes themselves, and no amount of nagging, pestering, controlling, or obsessing will change that fact. So, for you: feeling anxious because he hasn’t texted/called when he said he would? Ok, go for a walk and listen to a funny podcast, call a friend, prepare a healthy meal but don’t keep texting him.
Shift the Focus Back to Yourself
When you're caught in a codependent dynamic, much of your energy is directed toward monitoring, helping, worrying about, or trying to change another person. A codependent person frequently knows more about their partner’s likes, dislikes, moods, etc. than they do their own. Recovery involves gently redirecting your energy back to yourself and your own life.
Ask yourself:
- Which friends have I been neglecting and who can I reach out to today?
- What activities bring me joy and what’s one I can engage in this week?
- What’s one self-care action I can take to improve my own well-being? Go to sleep early, take a shower, eat three meals a day?
Reinvesting in your own life can help you reclaim your sense of self-esteem and identity outside of the relationship. You’ve got this. One simple action step at a time.
Stop Trying to Fix or Rescue Others
You are not responsible for another adult’s life choices, even choices you disagree with. Give your partner the dignity of living his/her own life as he/she sees fit.
Healthy relationships involve mutual support, care, and empathy, NOT control. Stop trying to control what is not yours to control. Love does not equal rescuing other people from their own choices. Unless there is an immediate concern that they pose a danger to themselves or others, in which case you should call 911 and get help immediately, their choices belong to them and they have a right to make them. Get out of the way and reinvest back into your own life.
(Re)build Your Support System
It’s time to stop prioritizing one relationship over everything else. Codependency can be isolating-you’re trying to make excuses for your partner or trying to hide just how bad it is so that other people won’t try and get you to leave. Breaking the silence is one of the most powerful steps you can take.
Consider:
- Reconnecting with trusted friends and/or family members
- Making plans with people who leave you feeling good rather than leave you needing more
- Calling/texting a friend your out of touch with
Consider Attending Al-Anon
If your codependent behavior is tied to someone with a drinking or substance abuse problem, consider attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a free 12-step peer support group for friends and family members of alcoholics. Al-Anon could be a great option if you’re looking for a combination of peer support, understanding, and strategies to cope with a loved one’s alcoholism/addiction in a healthier way.
Consider Individual Psychotherapy
Consider reaching out to a psychotherapist who specializes in codependency, self-esteem, or attachment issues. Codependent tendencies are often rooted in early family dynamics and therapy can be an effective way to examine these patterns and create lasting change.
A therapist can help you:
- Improve your self-esteem
-Learn to tolerate uncertainty more effectively
-Develop healthier, mutually satisfying relationships
-Reduce anxiety and/or fear of abandonment
-Challenge unhealthy thoughts about what is/is not your responsibility
-Create healthy boundaries
Recovery from codependency is not about learning how to become cold and uncaring. On the contrary, recovering from codependency is about learning to love and respect yourself as well as other people’s right to make decisions. Relationships can become mutually satisfying rather than rooted in manipulation and resentment
Am I Codependent? FAQ
What causes codependency?
People who grew up in a family where there was alcoholism/substance abuse or inconsistent parenting or neglect seem to be more susceptible to developing codependent patterns.
How do codependents behave?
Codependent people tend to obsess about the thoughts, feelings, behavior, and/or well-being of a particular loved one who is either struggling with addiction or acting inconsistently in a romantic relationship. The codependent consistently prioritizes the other adult person over themselves, often neglecting their own mental, physical, emotional well-being as well as personal and professional responsibilities.
How can I tell if I'm codependent?
If you find your mood entirely depends on another person’s behavior, your self-esteem yo-yos based on another person’s mood/actions, or you are consistently trying to control or rescue another person, you may be codependent. While the concept of codependency is widely used, it is not recognized as a psychological diagnosis within the broader mental health field.
Am I codependent? Next steps to the road to recovery:
It might feel overwhelming, but you’ve already started the process by identifying your patterns. That’s half the battle! The good news? You don’t need to change everything this second. Take one next right action today. Reach out to one of the supports listed above: peer support group, therapist, or a friend. With the right support and motivation, you can not only positively change your relationships, you can transform your life.
Want to learn more about how professional therapy services could help? Reach out for a 10 minute consultation.
